"I said you could come in; I didn't say you could stay."

Dianne slouched in the doorway, stubbornly not gone. "Well, what else was I supposed to think?"

"You were supposed to think we broke up a month ago. Honestly, I can't believe you."

"Laura's in one of her moods again."

"And whose fault is that?"

She was looking everywhere except at me. "Come on, you know Laura."

"I don't, actually. She was your friend."

"All right," she said, and pushed herself upright, holding on to the trim of the doorframe for an extra second. "I'll go."

The whole time she was gathering her things—she'd brought a tea set, but no tea—I tried to think of something appropriate to yell after her. And stay out, maybe. Or even your friends like me better than they like you.

The cruelty died on my lips as she threw herself out the door. She didn't look back. Stay, I almost said. She tottered down the street, and I tore my eyes away before she could turn the corner.

That was the last I saw of Dianne.

License for the preceding text: CC0 1.0 available at https://creativecommons.org/publicdomain/zero/1.0/

What I loved about AO3 was that it was a gift that demanded nothing of the people who received it. This is my gift to fandom in return: a story that can be archived anywhere.

shitpost

Sep. 25th, 2019 05:14 pm

"But when it had been decided that, while one remained to be killed, the other should depart for Mycenae to bear a letter, each wished to remain for the sake of the other, considering that he himself lived in the survival of his friend. But Orestes refused to take the letter, claiming Pylades was the fitter person to do so, and thus showed himself almost to be the lover rather than the beloved." (Wikipedia)

Dying for your partner is a top thing apparently

The correct order for timestamps is largest through smallest. Era, year, month, day, am/pm, hour, minute, second, millisecond. Communication should be structured such that ambiguity in the smallest is easier to convey than ambiguity in the largest. If I ask for the time and you don't tell me that it's CE2019 I will go feral.

fanfiction > professional fiction SPECIFICALLY because of the ao3

it's got 5 million works, the whole thing is free to access, and they're organized by trope. multi-filter absolutely fucking included. (the maintainers of the ao3 have basically handed their audience the keys to the database. do you know how rare that is. they just let ANYONE run queries on their database. and the queries execute FAST. on a table of five million works. who the fuck does that. answer: the ao3, and they make it look easy)

you like established relationship + romantic fluff + (complete) oneshot? there's one hundred and eighty-three.

you like archive rape warning + torture + gaslighting + anal sex? fifteen.

you like f/f + coffee shop AU + BDSM + angst? seven.

complete romance, m/f, over 1 million words? five.

note, I'm coming up with these searches on the spot, I'm including all of the ones I tried, and literally none of them have garnered zero results.

here's a trickier one: snarry + explicit consent - archive underage warning - archive generic warning. still one result. (although it does feature drunk BDSM and rape roleplay, which... either of those would have gotten the archive rape warning if I was in charge of the tags.)

most places, if you want recs for something that specific, you have to ask a librarian. which, librarians do good work! but the ao3 makes us our own librarians, and our own writers and our own curators. it entrusts the power of the machine to humanity, starting specifically with fangirls and spreading out. it is the single most powerful entertainment-dispensing device in existence

and it runs on kindness.

fic!

Jul. 21st, 2019 04:14 pm

I posted an original noncon fic to the AO3! It's all about the disturbingly intimate process of taking a person's boundaries apart.

It's called Mercy and it's horrifying. Under 1k, nice little noncon treat. There's a single word that might imply some kind of sexual contact ("inappropriate"); the entire rest of it consists of psychological coercion, internalized victim blaming, and coercive physical assault.

Coercive physical assault, by analogy with coercive sexual assault, means that the narrator had their autonomy disrespected in a way that constituted a violation without being a forcible assault.

I've also got a bunch of notes on the fic, things like details that the narrator missed and explanations of why I wrote it the way I did, which I might post here later.

I want you to take care of yourself, so if you're planning to read this fic in a way that hurts you please think about other options first.

afterimages

Jul. 2nd, 2019 06:10 pm

Being watched by an entity that is infinitely patient, that operates by moral rules that you understand and agree with, but not ones that are going to spare you in this instance.

Being a figurine carried in someone's pocket that they hold, invisibly, casual to them and overwhelmingly inescapable to you, while they speak charmingly to others.

Being put in a stress position, retrieved according to a schedule that is designed to keep you alive and nothing else, and using every bit of your limited remaining powers of movement and communication to express gratitude.

Mercy, mercy, please, it is your right and I am unworthy, please...

Being loved, only loved, and that is the worst thing.

Honestly I'm just gonna post what I have. I might have more NaruHina, I might not, but this is too fucking cute for me to deprive y'all of it.

Consent is fucking adorable and I'm trying to write Serious Sexy Romance but I'm just getting... teens who are so absolutely fucking smitten with each other and care So Much about each other's boundaries and it's too CUTE I have to take breaks to SCREAM.

I haven't shipped much het before, and it comes easier than I expected. It's about the same as slash except that the pronouns are simpler. I think I'm really going in the right direction with them being SHY and CARING ABOUT EACH OTHER.

It's also the first consensual romance/sex I've written, which means I keep running into things like "wait, they both want to get each other alone?? sounds fake but okay" and "how would each go about leaving the other the opportunity to refuse this?" that I haven't ever tried to convey in a story before.

They've barely touched each other and I already have so many feelings

(The ship in question is NaruHina, which I've mostly read as morally-ambiguous!Naruto/starstruck!Hinata, but can still totally ship as equals.)

Time for another round of destroying my FFN account!

AAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH

(The reason this is exhausting and upsetting rather than a cathartic game of "and fuck YOU and fuck YOU and fuck YOU" is because I'm trying to lose an absolute minimum of data, meaning that not only do I transfer all the deleted fics to AO3, I also take detailed notes on shit like "when it was posted on FFN vs AO3" and "what titles has it had over time" and "how many rounds of editing has it been subjected to.")

So I posted a new fic. It's actually new, in that it's never been on the internet before. I wrote it a while ago, though. My recent writing hasn't been of a publishable quality. It's about forced cultural assimilation of indigenous children in the Americas, with a side of reclaiming religion after spiritual abuse. The title is "Esther's God" and it can be read on AO3 here. The original short story is in the public domain, so I linked to the full canon text in the fic summary.

This was an uncomfortable story to write and edit for publication. It feels somehow arrogant, even disrespectful, to express rage on behalf of the victims of a genocide that did not target me. But rereading the story, it may not be perfect, but it is honest and it is art. Any piece of honest art engaging with horrific events is another illustration of another facet of what happened; another chance to resonate with the experiences it draws on. Refusing to publish it would not be humility, only fear. Reasonable fear. Fear I could not fault myself for. But fear, nonetheless, and unproductive.

Author's interpretation of the themes of the fic under the cut.

( Read more... )

Anyway, I think it's a pretty good fic and it's under 500 words so if you like trauma recovery narratives you might as well check it out.

There was a musical review of the Fifty Shades series. I think it was titled "Monster You Have Made" but I might be misremembering. The chorus was "oh, why can't you see the monster you have made?" Other lines include "he tells her what to eat and what to wear / she says, 'this love is killing me'" and there was some kind of mention of "black and blue." The video was a slideshow of domestic violence facts and resources. I'm looking for the video and I can't find it. Did anyone else see this, or did I make it up? And does anyone know where to get a copy?

personal

Jun. 11th, 2019 06:29 am

Content warnings: discussion of past suicidality, possible encouragement of self-harm.

 

( Read more... )

The little intimacies, the casual touches, the careful dance of arranging to be alone together; the feeling of being supported all over but with the insides of oneself hollowing out. Amoric horror is the horror of existing, just existing, under the weight of something nameless and inescapable.

Rereading this reminds me that the amoric horror project I've been calling "acb" is something I really want to work on more. I don't think I can do more editing until I get more draft to edit, which means I've got to generate more draft. It feels unnatural to be writing it because what I currently have is so polished that I don't see what there is to add, but I have plenty more plot points; I just gotta power through them.

Not sure if I've posted about amoric horror on this account, but in case I haven't: it's a term I invented for the genre formed by horror elements inserted into a romance plotline. Amoric horror play the fear of being hurt by a person who you love and who loves you, intentionally and without consent.

Not all horror+romance combinations are amoric horror; a serial killer couple doesn't qualify, nor does a pair of survivors in a zombie outbreak falling in love. External threats are irrelevant, and internal threats that could merely result in a breakup are something else. Amoric horror involves a threat internal to the relationship, severe enough that ending the relationship is not a solution, and going in only one direction.

If romance is "what if I met someone who I liked, and who liked me, and this was good?" amoric horror is "what if I met someone who I liked, and who liked me, and this was bad?" Romance supports its position by having a generally upbeat tone, not having the lovers do anything truly unforgivable to each other, and following certain other conventions, which amoric horror goes on to gleefully invert.

The little intimacies, the casual touches, the careful dance of arranging to be alone together... and then also, the ways in which the one undermines the other, the feeling of being supported all over but with the insides of oneself hollowing out, the induced impairments... amoric horror is the horror of existing, just existing, under the weight of something nameless and inescapable.

I was writing a comment about unreliable narrators and horror and I realized that there's a complex narrative that I probably can't pull off yet but might be able to write someday.

It would be presented as an "unedited manuscript" which is a nonexistent young author's first complete draft of a novel. Said young author would be in the fifteen to seventeen range; late adolescence, and importantly, under the age of consent to view obscene content. The prologue would be a cover letter from the author advertising their work. From the beginning, the book's attitudes toward relatives, romance, and appropriate behavior would reflect those typical in an abusive, isolating family. As the book goes on, certain things are reported differently from in the beginning (with the implication that the author intended to go back and change the referent in the second draft), with several of the discontinuities designed to downplay abusive behavior. Another discontinuity involves redrawing the line: behavior previously described as unacceptable is suddenly no big deal. A romance subplot is turned abusive, abandoned with plans to get rid of it, and resurrected when the abusive behavior in the romance falls back behind the line. Attitudes toward death imply that the author-narrator is suicidal; the end has the protagonist die and be relieved, and then be resurrected empty and depressed.

A sequel would, of course, have to be another "unedited manuscript" by the same author, in a different setting and possibly a different genre. They spent the years from 11 to 16 writing the first manuscript and wrestling with escalating abuse from their family; the second book is written while they're 16 to 21. Where the first book is a high fantasy pseudo-medieval battle between good and evil involving strong themes of loyalty and resignation, the second book is a stealth quest with video-game-inspired elements, and the primary conflict is the protagonists trying to do good in a luxury-aesthetic soft dystopia where they have everything they want as long as they don't make waves. Maybe framed as prophets trying to harness the power of a pantheon of capricious deities without being either possessed or executed for heresy, or a young prince trying to obey enough of his advisors' suggestions to retain his position while also not letting their most heinous plans come to fruition.

Not sure what book three would be; I actually think in order to do this idea justice I would have to be older, which is sort of a weird thing to realize. But this kind of epistolary character development is the sort of thing that I think fandom should have more of, and original fiction should have... well, any of. I've never in my entire life read a published book that gave the narrator characterization separate from the author and specifically had the narrator be writing a fictional work, not the narrator's own experiences.

This post has been brewing ever since I realized that one can learn things about people's attitudes from reading what fiction they write. It stands to reason that one should be able to use that very process of assessing authorial attitudes from fiction to create a sort of "author character" between the true author (a human who writes the book and advertises it to real people) and the narrator (a character who describes scenes from the inside). And although this technique very much feels suited to longform psychological horror, it could also be used to other ends; there's works I've read where I was cheering the author on in the personal life I ascribed to them.

bdsmlr

May. 24th, 2019 12:19 am

If you've never heard the name Mindgeek, please read this link instead of or as well as this post. It's a short article explaining the current state of the porn industry, and I recommend it without reservation to anyone who has opinions about mainstream pornography, FOSTA-SESTA, or sex workers' rights.


I really wanted to like bdsmlr.

It was supposed to be a mirror site of NSFW Tumblr, remaining when NSFW Tumblr was destroyed. And indeed, it does host an astonishing amount of exported NSFW Tumblr content. However, it fails at its goal of duplicating NSFW Tumblr by the simple expedient of having an interface so shoddy that it's outright unusable.

Let me back up. If what you liked about NSFW Tumblr was the image search, it's okay. A huge data hog, but so is Tumblr. Blessed with infinite pagination and no way of turning it off, but so is Tumblr. Slows your device way down and crashes your browser semi-frequently... still not much worse than Tumblr. And as a bonus, searching for a keyword (like "blowjob" or "spanking") will give you only image/GIF results. No radfems yelling about how it's impossible to make sexy videos without traumatizing the models. No debates about when it's okay to spank children. Just porn.

That said, if what you liked was the captions and text posts, "unusable" is pretty much on the mark. No text, however short, ever appears in search, except the large-font titles of text posts. No captions. No text post content. No metadata, like credits or image descriptions. Just images and GIFs as far as the eye can see.

The advantage of this site was supposed to be that it supported personalized relationships to sexuality, like tumblr, rather than a featureless grid of interchangeable pictures of genitalia. But the personalized relationships on tumblr were largely expressed through text, which bdsmlr fails to acknowledge and respect.

It's no coincidence that the most expressive popular porn site, tumblr before the ToS change, allowed users to alternate images of models with amateur words. One image would have a dozen people writing out different fantasies the image inspired in them, sometimes in the notes, sometimes by saving and reuploading to put it in the tags again. On bdsmlr, though, viewing the caption on an image that appears in a search result requires opening the result in a separate tab. This barrier to skimming results leads to an exhausting, disjointed experience for audience members who prefer to focus on text.

I'd like it if bdsmlr allowed text to appear in results by default, and gave users an option to turn it off, or at least the other way around. And while we're making wishes, I'd like bdsmlr to have a "reblog into tags" option so that people don't have to reupload an image in order to put it back in the tags. I'm far from the world's most vocal opponent of copyright violation, but that doesn't mean I'm okay with websites being structured to encourage separating credit from content, especially in the complex and bizarre world of porn copyrights.

This is not even to mention people with disabilities that preclude any direct access to images. Being honest, tumblr was never all that accessible to people with such disabilities, but immso,* bdsmlr seems significantly worse.


I don't, honestly, see much of a point in joining the website until and unless it allows previews in search results to include text. That it doesn't is a massive disability access failure as well as a text-preference access failure. I admire the data preservation efforts of the bdsmlr staff, but I refuse to accept the current restrictions on users sharing text, and I don't intend to post to any bdsmlr account, the same as I have committed to not posting to any tumblr account, until they are lifted.


* In my mostly-sighted opinion.

I feel like the AO3 is getting the same kind of reputation as Planned Parenthood in certain circles.

I just realized that in Japanese "how about I kill you" and "mean person" are actually pronounced the same.

殺・ろう:や・ろう

(kill・let's:ya・rou)

野・郎:や・ろう

(meadow・son:ya・rou)

If you're trying to say it aloud, it starts with the "y" in "year" and roughly rhymes with "sorrow."

Also, just to be clear, these are not the only possible meanings if someone says this to you! Three-character sequences in Japanese are vanishingly unlikely to have only one meaning, or only two meanings. This one could also mean, for instance, "how about I give you something," "I guess," or "hermit."

But anyway, either of these feel plausible for the situation, so I'm not really sure what this person is saying. I've tentatively decided to translate it as "let's fight" (because another translation is "let's perform" and that feels about right) but I might change my mind.

I feel like something could be done with "throw hands," actually, although it might not be tonally appropriate for this project...

normal people, burning to a dvd and/or publishing to the internet: 0-3 foreign language subtitle tracks, 0-2 same-language caption tracks

me, fucking around offline: 72 subtitle tracks, for the same video, involving the same languages, containing minor variations on the translation of individual words

(it's not as ridiculous as it sounds because resyncing the displayed subtitles from a modified subtitle file requires either reloading the video or adding a new subtitle track, and reloading the video is obnoxious. so really, it's just 72 times I made a set of changes that required testing. but still. I'm pretty sure that was all today.)

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